Late-Night Comics Lampoon Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Residency Plan
Late-night's prominent comedians devoted the broadcast mocking President Donald Trump's recently announced visa program, called the "gold card," characterizing it as a blatant pay-to-play scheme for the rich.
Stephen Colbert's Sarcastic Analysis
Opening his program, Stephen Colbert presented a mock Christmas song targeting the commander-in-chief. "He is compiling a list, checking it twice, then giving that list to the agents at ICE," he crooned. "Donald Trump ... destroys everything he comes into contact with."
The subject was the new program which permits overseas nationals to acquire U.S. residency for the price of one million dollars, with a "premium" version for $5 million. The program's website pledges approval "with unprecedented speed."
"One note for you to affluent foreigners: prior to you pony up, have you considered Canada?" Colbert quipped.
He explained that the scheme is also intended to "get cash" from businesses wishing to hire foreign workers, involving hefty payments. "That is a lot of fees, though if you sign up, you additionally get two free nights at a property of your choosing – provided that it's the that one hotel," he said.
"Unprecedented vetting the government has ever done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to ensure these individuals truly are eligible to be in America."
"That's important, you gotta prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "The initial query: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"
Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Roast
On his late-night show, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the visa program the "U.S. Access Express Card."
"It's a card that will allow rich international individuals to live here," he stated. "In exchange for a million bucks, you get official visitor status, you get a route to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one serious crime of your choice."
"It might be time to update that message on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your poor masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.
Kimmel mocked the lack of detail of the form, noting it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."
"That's right, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "That's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you give the needle a million dollars."
Seth Meyers on Grocery Struggles
Elsewhere, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's plunging approval numbers amid financial concerns. "The public gave Donald Trump a second term since they were upset about the economy," he noted.
Recently, in a attempt to address prices, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a selection of grocery items, and reacted peculiarly to boxes of cereal.
"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a long time."
"He is so fucking weird," Meyers responded. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"
Meyers wrapped up by mocking right-leaning news defenses of Trump's economic performance. "Perhaps rather than complaining, you should give him a shiny trophy like the one FIFA did," he joked.